Chapter : 1

 

More I think, It looks I have become more like those women who gives all their powers in someone's hands and then they cry all the time about how bad is their life. 

I heard somewhere that you can't rely your happiness on other person , no person can take that amount of burden for a long time. But is it possible to be together as a closed couple and not be upset if he does something that you don't like. Should I be not bothered at all by his actions ? Will that even be called being a couple or will it even qualify for love ? 

It happened slowly , I started giving and he started taking more space in my life that now nothing is left in my life which is not affected by him. I feel regret of doing it and now I keep thinking how to get it back. I had so many moments where I could have sensed that things won't be good in future but still I was so scared and tired of new relationship and to again invest so much in someone.  Things were not bad from starting , there were some good moments also in our relationship , but when I try to remember it I couldn't recall any of them. But there were definitely some otherwise why would I be investing so much in relationship.

Actually we have gone through a lot of family stuff which changed chemistry between us. He definitely does not have an easy going family. A typical orthodox Bihar family who knew only one meaning of daughter in law. and here I came as modern as ever could be , financially independent, never scared of taking decisions and most important not hesitant of speaking against wrong things. He changed from being understanding that yes one should do what they want and every one should be independent of taking their decision to saying I know my family is saying wrong but they don't mean it, they are old, don't listen to them and then changing to I don't know , don't tell me where they are wrong, don't you do something wrong , are you all correct ? Maybe there was my mistake also which made him change but I think more reason would be he was expecting for me to get settled in and you know what settled in means in Indian family and when he got to know that there are no signs of me changing , he lost his act of supporting me. He always used to try to make peace between me and his family by telling them that what I think good , what efforts I put and telling me what good they do for me. He just wanted peace in home does not matter who is right and wrong ,who is actually hurt and what needs to be corrected. I think lot of things happened in such a short time and we were definitely not ready to handle family stuff and it would be wrong to judge him , but yes things changed and its not good for us. 

Looks like I have just dumped everything on this page whatever was going in my head. But I will be true , it gives a feeling of relief to me that I can finally say whatever I want and it will not end up in argument. 

Hoping I will be able to figure it out someday ! Ending this page in the hope of that.  

Hello People

I am starting my blog today. I was having this thought to start writing from so long that I can't even remember now. Today, I was watching some movie and somehow it just pushed me to write something. I haven't planned till now what to write or how to write. I think this will be a place where I can just dump all my thoughts and I won't be judged as soon as I share it. 

I needed someone from long time with whom I can share anything that's in my mind. I suppose we are all not that lucky , I didn't find that person till now. But I just want to see what will happen if I instead of sharing with one person , I share it with everyone. 

Today, I was just sitting in my room , it has a window . Whenever sunlight comes from it and it gives my room a yellow touch , a happy touch I would say , it really feels good . I don't know how but it gives me some positive vibes. But I only feel it when I am alone not with someone. You won't believe there was a time when there was this person in my life that I couldn't live without. I couldn't bare the thought of parting with him. We were in relationship for a long time and I used to absolutely love his company. I would want nothing but to be with him. I would not say that feeling was not reciprocated. It's not some one sided love story. I felt loved , cared and pampered. But that time was long ago , Today I am his wife and it will be lie if I say I feel the same for him or he feels the same. We are together now more than we could ever be but I don't feel we are together. What happened to us? Is it normal to feel this way because you are married ? Is this what happens when you get married. I feel we just lost that spark. Earlier I used to keep trying to find ways to get back that spark. But now  I have just left it like that, we fight , we argue but we don't understand each other. After lot of fight we just agree to not discuss those topics ever again because we couldn't agree on anything mutual.  Do you think that is normal ? Or Am I just over reacting or over thinking as he always say ?